Thursday, 30 March 2017

A Guilt Riden Heart

Rat problems are quite common in North Kolkata, maybe due to the architecture that helps these rodents to enter our houses so easily. The ground floor of my house is a place , where Tyson (my dog) often goes to hunt Rats. It amuses him. my mom reported today that, since last few days she is seeing little baby mice in the 1st floor and 2nd floor too. Though previously I didn't know this.

This morning was not different than any other mornings. I woke up, got ready for work and went to have my breakfast. My mom asked me to bring her purse from her room for some reason while I was busy in breakfast table.I went to her room, took the purse and was coming back , when , I felt something under my right foot. The room was dark as the windows were all closed due to which it was difficult to see through. I switched on the light and saw the most terrible thing I could ever imagine. There lied a little baby mouse (I believe it was few hours old ) , trembling , with spilled blood all around it.


I could not move and started crying. My daddy came, saw me and understood the situation. He gave some water to the mouse. In the meantime the mouse stopped moving.

I got scared. I could not accept the fact that this little mouse actually died because of me. I started cursing myself. Breakfast was left on the table as it was. I could not stop myself from crying. My dad wanted to console me but failed. After almost 30 minutes I left for work with a guilt ridden heart. 'Guilt' , according me is the most dangerous emotion. It eats you up from within.

Throughout the day, no matter wherever I went , whoever consoled me, I kept visualizing those trembling limbs of that little creature who died because of me. It felt paralyzing. I wanted to ask God "why did you choose me as a means to take it's life?" . I kept imagining how terrible it is for mothers who loose their children , give birth to dead babies or abort them. I kept asking God  "why did you send that little mouse to earth for few hours?" , "why did it come to earth if it was destined to go this soon?". I kept asking myself "what can I do to get rid of this pain that I'm enduring ? the pain of killing (yes killing) an innocent soul.

I presume, I shall keep looking for these answers. I don't know when or if  I'd ever get an answer.

We look for life but death gets found
Science had proven though ,
the World is round
You are not even yours , I'm not even mine.
Still looking for the stars for our life to define.
'Death is far' , says the Life and laughs
'Life is fraud' , the Death reverts 
'they're just pawns in the hands of mine'
Time comprehends through the secret sign.

O little Mouse,
Wherever you are, stay happy , stay blessed,
I hope you find your eternal peace,
I apologize for all the pain I've caused,
I hope you be , where you always wanted to be.

With a guilt ridden heart,
Human Potpourri

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